It turns out that I am not, in fact, the person I always thought I was, and quite likely not the one you thought I was either, for that matter.
Externally I am a strong and powerful woman, a leader, a speaker, one who always has a way with words.
However inside, in my secret world, within my personal landscape I am a fragile glass shaped thing, delicate to the touch and liable to shatter in the faintest breeze of disapproval.
To my judgemental mind – yes, that’s in there too – I am being highly disingenuous, in fact it is possible that maybe, just maybe I am actually a bully: a nasty, mean, horrible bully who can give it but can’t take it. Oh the horror!
I can trace a lot of this internal fragility back to my childhood – of course – and my experiences within my family. My mum was bitter and enraged so she pointed at my father and cast him as the bad man whilst simultaneously reminding me that he was a good man and I was none the wiser.
Today I threw away a pair of earphones from my mobile phone, they are crackly, the mic no longer works and I am an adult and can do whatever the hell I like. My partner saw them in the bin and asked why I had thrown them out (genuine question) and when I explained he went on to question whether I had checked the port and other sensible enquiries. All heard was you are probably wrong, you need to check, you should do this, or that, blah blah blah and I was instantly triggered.
He is a lot like my father. And evidently I am a lot like my mother (oh the double horror) Through him I am learning about my father, his true motivations and why he was the way he was.
It is highly possibly my partner is on the Spectrum, and now I see my father was too. My partner has a brain injury – two in fact – which affect his behaviour, I have no idea about my dad on this one but I ‘m sure he had his fair share of head bumps as a motorcyclist.
But back to me. I am constantly on high alert to criticism, I cannot bear confrontation and as an HSP I feel atmospheres with a detail most find, quite frankly, weird! And rather unnecessary. and it is causing me no end of problems.
Especially in my relationship. We have been together for 22 and talked about ending it regularly for about 20 of those years. Recently things came to a head and we are now in a what will be will be kind of place, and as such beginning to be brutally honest with each other about every little thing. I am learning a lot about myself. It is not easy.
I understand that my core wounds are triggering my responses and making my life very difficult.
Whereas I can be strong and powerful out in the world, literally, I can take on anything and it is all quite genuine, nor forced, not an act, it is a genuine sense of self and of my own power, I cannot seem to translate that personal power back within and own it for myself. As such I feel I am always on the back foot, a peace-keeper, soother of energies, healer, lover, placating others and tip-toeing around so as not to create a disturbance. In other words my inner child come out when I am at home.
This explains my need to keep everyone at arms length, my inability to be intimate with even my own family, my inner child is so wounded, so scared, so fragile, so terrified of being abandoned that she makes herself as small as possible and runs around being sweet whilst trying to keep everyone happy.
This is not working for anyone. I am nearly 50 years old, I am still angry at my own mother for not owning her personal power, and here I am, textbook behaviour, imitating my mother. Ugh!
So what to do?
I am researching healing my inner child whilst building my business in an ethical and antithetic way. I am focusing on my writing and self care primarily and not allowing myself to become stressed or fearful. I am meditating and using affirmations to re programme my mind and keep me focused on what I want rather than what I fear (energy work 101).
I am going to focus on this area of self healing for a while and share my journey, inviting you all to join me as I navigate the choppy waters of my internal world whilst remaining strong and present in the public space.
My best place is of course, my work. Here I can be all my best parts, I can channel energy, hold space for others, remain detached yet loving, and am capable of incredible feats of energetic transformation. I need my work as much as my clients do and I am blessed to have it.
So that’s the next post in the series. Stay tuned!