Which are you? Do you even have to choose? I say NO!
I call Bullshit on either/or. I say you can be whoever you damn well choose and be both at the same freaking time if it suits you! As a woman I am so often delicate, sensitive, easily wounded and affected by the slightest energetic breeze; yet for years my partner called me Rhino hide because I seemed impervious to anything and never realised quite how I affected others.
What’s it all about then, this crazy-making sense of ‘other’ which inhabits us. The feeling that ‘out there’ is all important, whilst ‘in here’ doesn’t deserve the time of day?
How many times have you (I’m talking to my ladies here) felt that you were indeed going crazy? I remember the first time I really worried for my sanity. I was 18 years old, in my first serious relationship with a lovely guy who had a great job, a car and treated me like a queen. But I wasn’t happy. In fact I was more than ‘not happy’ I was bloody miserable. In fact, as low-level self harm became part of my daily routine, I might even go as far as to say I was depressed! As a result I felt there must be ‘something wrong with me.’
I didn’t want to be with him anymore – in fact ‘the spark’ died after a couple of months yet he persuaded me to stay as he ‘had plans for a brilliant Christmas. (Life in the family home was horrible so it was easy to be swayed by the temptations of fun and laughter elsewhere). So I stayed. Then tried to leave again. but he had plans for a trip away at Easter. So I stayed. And after 6 months together we got engaged. (I know, right?) He bought me a ring, paid for me to go to Disney World with him and we even went as far as house hunting…before I managed to put the brakes on: call off the house we were about to offer on, admit I was never planning to marry him, and eventually after 2 1/2 years together, aged 20 I was single again. And still miserable.
Over lifetimes since then I have lived in waves of incredible high’s, filled with ideas, wanting to run my own business and live ‘a different life’ from the one I was raised to expect coupled with moments of total lack, homelessness, unemployment and the need to rely on others, and up and down I went. It got quite nauseating after a while, and still the idea that I was mentally unstable continued. Why else could I not hold down a job ‘like everyone else?’ Why else was I constantly flitting about, starting things and never finishing them? Why could I not feel happy and settled in a relationship? I must be mad! It felt like the only explanation.
Research was the only way out and I began reading books, taking classes and keeping a journal to track my life and discover more about ‘the why of me’ and how best to create a life I truly enjoyed – however impossible that felt like at times
It soon became obvious that in my formative years I had lived life in the masculine (society approved) line – simply going forward, in a straight line, focused on meeting the needs of everyone and achieving the arbitrary goals set by The World in order not to be perceived as a total loser! Whenever I stalled I would feel like a failure and beat myself up until I got going again. Now, however, as a mature, pre-menopausal mother of two I am so much wiser than I once was. And that in itself is a blessed relief.
I now understand ‘the way of the spiral’ and the beauty of my cycles. I understand that I am not a failure I am simply a woman. And that if I were only to choose to look at my life a little differently I would see how incredible I truly am, and thus it follows that you too, can choose to see your life differently, and that is my purpose.
My reason for writing my painfully personal stories, my reason for reading and researching and discovering ever new methodologies, and my right-livelihood. You are not broken darling, you are simply a woman. Lets get clear, shall we? Lets revel the deep and powerful truth. You are both a Warrior Goddess, capable of immense creative feats and a delicate flower, able to fall apart at the slightest breeze, and this is perfectly perfect in every way.
Don’t believe me? Do you still feel that what you have experienced makes you somehow unworthy of happiness, success or abundance? Lets work together to release your inner Wonder Woman – it’s your time. Simply reach out to me through my website and we’ll set up a clarity to call to find out how best we can work together. http://www.robertaleesmart.com