As a parent I seem to say this A Lot.
Reading a beautiful blog about At with Kids this morning really triggered my AGR (Automatic Guilt Response) around my kids early years.
The precious years. The blessed years of innocence and fun-filled explorations.
Maybe because I had Post Natal Depression; maybe because I was just beginning my journey with Hypothyroidism, who knows? But I was an angry, scared, lost and lonely soul.
Yes I loved to read and always read to my babies. Yet I yearned to make art and support them in becoming creative. I bought art materials, a constant stream of paints, aprons, chalks and modelling clay.
But I could hardlly bring myself to settle down with them and create. Those images of longed-for perfection filled my mind and the materials stayed in the box.
I denied myself the joy of creativity because I would get anxious when the kids tried to join in. Frustrated at them wanting to copy me. I just wanted to be left alone.
Now they are teenagers and I’m terrified that one day they Will leave me alone. That’s it’s too late to reach them and before long I will simply be somebody that they used to know.
These fears are amplified by my relationship own parents who do not reach out, take an interest or bother to enquire about us.
My husband says this will Never happen to us because we will always stay in touch and stay connected to our kids.
But still that Mothers Guilt rages inside my slightly crooked mind and whispers ‘once they escape you’ll never see them again’ and it hurts.
I should stop reading blogs about parenting add it only reminds me of all the things I didn’t do, or couldn’t do.
Maybe next week when I feel better I’ll write a post to offset this one; about all the things I’m proud of as a parent.
Because I know they are in there. It’s just, today, I can’t quite feel it. You know?
(For those ladies who chart their cycle and in full disclosure, I’m on day 24 of my cycle. For those who have No Clue: This means Pre Menstrual and Diving Down into the underworld)