I have been outed! I am no longer incognito, and it feels great.
For many years I have been hiding my true self behind a chronic people pleasing habit, and it has finally come to an end.
That is not to say that I have given up making people happy – only that now, I do it with intent, because it matters to me and my own progress. I have been a Professional Volunteer for many years, avoiding paid work after years of job hunting and mixed experiences.Finally i have managed to take the lump of clay that was my potentiality and using my instinct, my passion and my natural aptitude, mould it into something which i can declare as my very own.
To this end I am now in the process of developing a website to support my new discoveries. I am torn between developing this blog into a full website – a natural development utilising my own name rather than a creative title (something I have long avoided) or venturing back into the world of Weebly or Moonfruit templates to create something from scratch.
Like many new biz operators before me, I have a million and one ideas about my offerings and how I aim to monetize my expertise. Everything stems from my core premise of being a WordSmith and Soul Gardener. With those boundaries in place I can now spread my creative seeds in different directions and see which ones grow the best.
I want to encourage people to’ Express Their Story’ and then learn to tell a ‘Different Story’ which will lead them to feeling braver, more powerful and ready to achieve all that they truly want to in life. This may be starting a business; daring to be creative; or simply healing family rifts to reclaim the loving family their hearts desire.
Most of us experience feeling stuck from time to time.This usually stems from emotional and psychological blocks within us, and those blocks are fortified by the beliefs we hold and the stories we tell on a daily basis, not only to others, but to ourselves to that end I want to offer people a new kind of Self Talk, one which embraces compassion and strength rather than judgement and ridicule, and I want so much to enlighten people as to where their inner darkness actually comes from, early years patterning and the lineage of family dysfunction which runs through us all; and also to realise that making changes to how you live is not ‘disloyal’ to where you come from or who you ‘really’ are. Those beliefs are amongst the strongest and most blocking of all. ‘How can I possibly succeed/be happy where my parents failed/ were miserable, that would really insult them/ hurt them/ anger them, etc’. I know this particular block only too well, and most astonishingly I was completely oblivious of it until I undertook some deep healing work on myself, then the real work began to release it and move forward into my Own Personal Freedom.
Throughout my life I have walked many different paths, and visited many landscapes. I have lived amid rich and poor, I have surrounded by academics and the intelligentsia and broken bread with the homeless on the streets. I have friends who are millionaires and those who are life- long benefit claimants, I have worked within a myriad of industries and also experienced unemployment; I have performed in everything from Russian Classics to Operetta’s, and offered spiritual guidance in village halls; I have met Olympic gold medal winners and TV stars, recorded with nationally acclaimed musicians and been a local Karaoke Queen. In fact i would say that there isn’t much I haven’t done, and all of this vast experience has left me with the indelible feeling that we all have stories to tell, its just up to us, which ones we choose.
Myself, I am and always will be A Writer. It’s all I’ve ever wanted and never dared to declare.
I read a lovely quote from Elizabeth Gilbert recently that said
‘I made a commitment to the Universe that I would write. I never promised to be good. I never promised to be popular. I simply promised that I would write. So I do!’
This struck a chord with me, and I realised how much stock I have placed in outside approval and how much it has held me back. (My story!!!) So in order to free myself, I have to write clearly, consistently and concisely, about things that matter to ME! (For so long I thought I should be writing what people wanted to read). What can I say? Growing up is hard, and it takes some of us longer than others!
Throughout my journey of discovery, I knew that I wanted to help people, and was naturally drawn to the healing arts. I knew that I would never make it in the mainstream 9-5 set-up so I began my search for a Right Livelihood and a different way of working.This journey has seen me go from the very basics of Customer Service -In the days before the Call Centre – when I worked in retail and catering and truly learned to serve; before dipping my toe into the caring professions as a Nanny and as a personal carer for an Holistic Practitioner who was wheelchair bound. It was whilst living with this gentleman and his household that my transition from mainstream to the alternative world commenced. I experienced body work, energy work, meditation, healing stories, vegans, vegetarians,hippy parents, communes, communities and so much more. Quite a leap from my Midlands suburban life of day jobs, night life, repeat until death.
It was here that i first experienced for myself the power of the Tarot and was revealed to be a story teller. After receiving my first ever reading I offered one in return and managed to reduce my friend to tears. At this point I had no clue about positions or meanings as such, I simply laid the cards as she directed then looked at the pictures (Rider Waite), it was an effortless process of revelation, as I wove the images, seamlessly together, suggesting what I could see and feel in the cards, where she would find herself and what was important for her to know. Now, I had only just met this lady – maybe six weeks at most, so knew next to nothing of her background other than she hailed from New Jersey and had arrived in Shaftesbury (where we found ourselves) via London.
She gifted me that pack of cards and I still work with them today. I have tried a few courses, to develop my skills, but always go back to my own intuitive approach rather than the prescribed definitions in any books. I have been blessed to count some great Spiritual Teachers amongst my friends over the years and have gathered much information along the way. The most pertinent being, Be Your Self. Sadly for me, I had no clue who I actually was, for the longest time, so simply being myself was a bit of a tall order.
This is something I really want to cover in my forthcoming work. That it’s perfectly OK to not know who you are, or what you are all about, because, weirdly, that is who you are! You may possibly be, just as I was, that person who is not sure of their destiny, not quite able to commit to a career, struggles to settle in relationships, gets itchy feet and is easily bored, Hey, I know how it is, I’ve been there, and believe me, there are worse things you could be!
I shall sign off now so that you can go and grab a cup of something yummy. Thanks for bearing with me through this rather rambling outpouring. I really appreciate your giving me your time. Oh, and as usual, if you have anything to add or something to ask – please use the feedback form below and I would love to hear from you.