“I’ve been talking to myself…

Just to suggest that I’m selfish.” (Electronic)

But the way we talk to ourselves is fundamental in how we feel, isn’t it?

As a lifelong self-abuser, I know only too well how Negative Self Talk can impact on ones self esteem, doing the  job of the bullies, the bosses, the parents and teachers, long after we have grown and become independent. In fact, I would go so far as to say that the State of Depression depends upon it. Without years of negative self abuse I could never have sustained my depression so forcefully, in fact, I think i may even have become healthy, a lot sooner.

Now this may anger some of you. As if i am suggesting that depression is an experience which relies on the whims of ones self image, and of course, I realize that, for many, this is simply not the case. But for me. I think it was.

The constant negative messages of my childhood buried themselves deep within me. The ‘Gift’ of a ‘Martyr Mother’ meant that I bore the weight of her lifelong pain, and carried it willingly, as children are wont to do.

I was, as all small girls are, loyal and committed to my mother. I beleived everything she said, and as she systematically turned me against my own father, distanced me from my brothers and encouraged me to avoid extended family, I grew up with no support network except her. And as I could never satisfy her desires, the continued message I received was one of not being good enough, not worthy, and not to bother trying.

Of course, on the surface she told me I was pretty, that I was clever and I could go far. But alongside those un-quantifiable statements, was the deeper message, that Dad was lazy, miserable, difficult, mean, cruel and dismissive. And I was, ‘Just like your father’. Enough said!

I grew up reactive to tiny changes in mood and environment, and here, I feel my Empathic Self developed. I became a sponge for disharmony and pain, soaking it up without ever understanding what I was doing. Then crying myself to sleep night after night, without ever letting ‘them’ know how I really felt.

Now an adult, I have distanced myself even further from my family, as I can no longer fulfill that role, and they don’t require me to do anything else. I am now a lifelong student of Problem Solving rather than endless moaning. I now suggest ways to change, rather than simply ‘making do’, and to be honest, they are not in the least bit interested in my ‘new fangled ideas’, and feel criticized and belittled by my wisdom and strength.

So here we are, at stalemate, and I am learning to build my own family unit, and develop strong support networks for my own children, albeit with friends and colleagues rather than blood family members.

And the Self-Talk? Better, much better.

And right now this is the message I want to impart: It does not matter how bad it was for you. How low you fell. Or how much you felt like something the dog left behind. This is only how you feel. Only what you believe. IT ISN’T THE TRUTH!

The Truth, is something so much more.The Truth is everything you are capable of; all your promise, all your potential, and everything you could ever imagine.

This is Your Truth. So far, you have only experienced a fraction of it. And there is so much more to live. Why not start by being Glad to be alive! Being blessed to have a home, to be loved and valued and for all the stuff you normally take for granted. For this is one of the Biggest Truths I can share with you today.

If you are able to take ANYTHING for Granted, then you have a WHOLE LOT to be thankful for.

With a great big hug and whole lotta love

Roberta

 

 

 

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