I thought I had a handle on this shit, I really did. I thought I understood invisible illness, complex pain, mental health and how to navigate a world around it.
But like Jon Snow, it appears that I know nothing.
The last few weeks have shown me that what I thought I knew was only the tip of the iceberg. After living with my partner ‘A’ for 22 years, raising two healthy and happy kids and surviving my own depression I now discover – alongside himself – that he is not simply a shy, anxious, unsociable man, but he is in fact living with ASD (Autistic Spectrum Disorder)
The way in which he discovered this was after some promoting from myself, he took what is commonly called an AQ50 online test and scored 50/50. When we took this information to his GP she nodded sagely and did not seem at all fazed by the information – I guess other people spotted it years ago, I only wonder why no one though to mention it.
So why is this so shocking? Well firstly he is 45 years old and has lived a whole life of struggle and fear, masked by a host of other complications – the subject of this blog post.
You see A was in a severe accident aged 15 where he was hit by a car travelling at 70mph and got pretty smashed up. Hence his life thereon was marred by chronic pain. He also is adopted and struggled through his adoptive parents divorce and other sundry familial struggles, like most people. But it all adds up and in the end masks the true picture.
So many life experiences can be mistaken as the cause for a symptom – and not only did no-one recognise his dyslexia (which he recently realised he has – thank you internet!) but it also masked his autism. He is high functioning and very very bright but struggles to understand other peoples behaviour, takes everything literally, cannot discern ‘inferred’ speech from ‘statements’ and is emotionally challenged.
I have always laughingly called him an alien – and now I realise how right I was. The more we learn the deeper down the rabbit hole we fall and as a result we are now deep in grief for all that he suffered, for the lack of understanding, for the child who felt so lost, so lonely and so isolated and also filled with fear and confusion about how to navigate the future.
Personally I am exhausted being the only source of support, coaching and problem solving in his life, and simultaneously renegotiating the boundaries around our relationship to better serve my needs. Phew! I need a holiday. And am super grateful for my wonderful friends who are holding space for me, loving me, honouring me and accepting me in all ways. You are invaluable to me. Thank you.
What do think when you see other people embarking on counselling, therapy or coaching support? I could never do that? My problems aren’t that bad? Who would want to listen to me? If so, you are not alone.
So many people – just like you – feel that their life is not ‘bad’ enough to ask for help, that their ‘story’ is not worth sharing or that ‘others have it worse’ and I have to say they are both right and wrong!
Of course there will always be those who have suffered more, but that doesn’t mean you have not suffered. Just as there will always be those who achieve more, but that in no way means you have not achieved.
Can you see how a lifetime of comparisonitis has left us frozen and stuck, with no way out – except to buy our way happy? And we all know that consumerism as a fix is way outdated!
When the headlines are so lurid, and the tales of suffering so visceral, it is easy to think back to our own life experience and think ‘It wasn’t so bad.’ And this can be a positive approach if you are working on acceptance and remaining calm in the moment. There is nothing wrong with brushing yourself off and simply getting on with life – until it stops working for you. If you are finding yourself in a loop for the third, fourth or even fifth time – it may be time to get help.
If your mental, physical or emotional health is affected and in impacting your every day life, and your relationships, it is time to get help.If you are overwhelmed with depression, anxiety, self loathing or suicidal ideologies, then it is time to get help.Now, getting help does not mean seeking out a fix: You are not broken.Help, in this context simply means finding a safe place in which to talk about how you are feeling, how it may be impacting on your life and what triggers are constantly being brought up for you.
We hear a lot these days about Triggers and it is a good that we now understand how our emotional selves operate within the confines of the human body. As we relate to others it is easy for someone to say or do something which reminds us of a situation in the past – a situation which, at the time, caused us to become hyper vigilant, encouraged us to ‘read a situation and act accordingly’ and also fed our sense of fear and danger.
Life is not safe if you are constantly running on adrenaline.
Life is not safe if you fear the opinions of those around you.
Life is not safe if you fear rejection from your family of origin yet do everything you can to protect them from your awareness.
When adults manipulate children into coercive behaviours those children grow up with a warped sense of right and wrong, they over compensate, spend a lot of time and energy projecting into the future in order to head off any possible threat, and can retreat into a fantasy land of make believe in order to survive.
For many of us that fantasy land of make believe became our real lives as we slowly became attuned to subtle energies, the thoughts and feelings of those around us, we could read the adults even when we could not really interpret what we were reading. Too many times we spoke up in innocence and truth only to observe the fall out of our honesty, the reactions of those around us and the anger and fear they all experienced as we revealed family secrets we didn’t know we were keeping.
Practically every adult I know has ‘A Story’ no matter how dramatic or tame, no matter how long or short, we have all experienced our own journey and learned to cope with life through the lens of our own personal experience. If your memories, childhood, traumatic experiences or losses are still replaying in your mind and heart today; getting in the way of your relationship with your partner; affecting your relationship with your kids; preventing you from having a relationship with your family of origin, and leaving you feeling guilty and shameful, then I want you to know: you are not alone and you do not have to face it alone.
For my part I offer support to those Earth Angels who learned at an early age to be hyper vigilant,m overly sensitive, read minds, read the room and hold a deep knowing of the TRUTH of any situation.
I help artists get their pictures onto the page and those pages out into the world – with confidence.
I help healers, psychic and mediums to hone their skills, trust in their abilities and bring those gifts to the world, in confidence and humility.
I help writers express their story, in fiction, non-fiction, poetry, as a screenplay, a comedy show or in an online blog. And share their work with pride and confidence.
I help Earth Angels care for their wings.
Angel, are you still trying to fly solo? Don’t you know no angel came here to do it all alone? Remember before you came? Remember the briefing where they showed us the beauty that was earth, on a huge screen at the front of the room? Remember how we ‘Oohhhed’ and ‘ahhhed’ at the beauty of The Blue Planet, yet could feel a deep sadness permeating every part of her?
Do you remember how we asked ‘Why is Gaia so sad? Why is our beautiful Planet -Sister not joyous in her glory?And the Golden Angel of the heavens informed us that Gaia was indeed joyous but that her people were not – and we were needed on Earth in order to help all of humanity make their way through the golden gateway into the future that lay ahead of them.
I’m pretty sure that I phased out a bit at that part and stopped paying attention, I heard something about a ‘Mission to Earth’ where we were needed to ‘Shine our light’ and of course I signed up – who wouldn’t? That place had water! We could go swimming!!! Then I arrived!
Instantly I got the feeling I had forgotten something …In fact I had forgotten most things but mostly I had not realised that our ‘trip to earth’ was quite so, how can i put this… permanent?
As we stood in line to sign up and go through the portal I had failed to read the small print which committed us all as Soul Aspects on Earth for One Full Lifetime.Oh sure there was a whole bunch of me still in the angelic realm, and a whole clusterfuck of my brilliance filling the galaxy, in realms these humans could not even imagine, BUT the part of me that incarnated was, to all intents and purposed ‘trapped’ and there was only one way out.
I hope this doesn’t make me sound ungrateful, its just that becoming housed in a physical body after aeons floating in the angelic realms can feel somewhat restrictive to say the least.
It is only in recent years that I realised that my angelic self actually misunderstood the mission entirely (a pattern I was to repeat regularly throughout my earthly life actually) and had somehow got the idea that we were simply popping in – shining around a bit, cheering everybody up then going straight back.
A celestial day trip if you like: A trip to the cosmic lido! It would be fun!
It isn’t fun.Well, mostly not fun. There are fun bits, I grant you – but on the whole, earth appears to be like one long master degree with practicals every day and one eternal thesis constantly being written that will only get handed in when you draw you final breath.
I do understand that life gets better when we gather together – there is certainly nothing better on earth than to meet a sister or a brother (you guys are SO hung up on the gender thing,aren’t you) although a lot of our Rainbow children are really screwing with that idea, lol: Go Rainbows!
To that end so many of us are drawn to seek out and support our brethren in order that as many of us awaken to our true nature and set to work achieving our mission: which is of course, to raise the vibration, heal the dark spots and strengthen the resolve of the humans on the planet to bring her safely through the celestial gateway and rebirth her as a golden planet. No Biggie!
So many of my clients ask me ‘How did you know you were gifted?’ or ‘When did you first know you were psychic?’ or versions there of.
So I decided to take some time out to a ‘Childhood Visitation Meditation’ and explore the breadcrumbs I left scattered throughout my life which pointed to my awareness of Spirit, Magic and A Greater Self.
The Mirror always fascinated me as as child. I used to press my nose up close to the mirror in the hall, at the foot of the stairs and try to peer around the edges, convinced that there was another world on the other side; a world that looked like mine but was a happier, friendlier place. I felt like I belonged in there but was trapped in here.
I often pondered whether my dreams were actually ‘The Real World’ and that this life of struggle and fear was in fact ‘Just a bad dream’ – now I know how right I was!
I was a lonely child and played in my own world and imagination – coupled with a deep sense of feeling that led me to cry myself to sleep most nights, hiding this truth from my parents who were so wrapped up in their own misery they couldn’t see past their noses. I played outside and saw spirits, fairies, guides and angels constantly, but interpreted these phenomenon as just my imagination in fact I actually believed was making it all up.
At an early age used to offer to heal people and put my hands on their heads or shoulders to heal their pains. Again I truly believed I was faking yet they reported a sense of relief and ease. This was long before the world talked about Reiki or Energy Work – it wads the early 80’s when the UK was reeling from depression and struggle. No wonder I had no idea of my true potential.
I grew up in a grey world, a post war city rebuilt in grey concrete, filled with urban minds and hearts where you went to work to pay the bills not to enjoy yourself and performance art was seen as an expensive hobby.
Ads a child I used to go horse riding once a week, again pretending that I could communicate psychically with my horse – only learning in recent years that I did in fact have psychic bond with the animals and all my pretending was 100% real! I loved animals and yearned for a pony or a dog of my own – I needed a friend, someone to love and trust, that loved me too. I now realise that this was a massive sound to my soul, to be so alone for so long actually left me with scars I have struggled to heal. I fully believe that if I had been offered that relationship in childhood, I could have avoided a whole heap of mental health problems in the future.
So that is a snapshot of my early life – and a realisation that when you kids come to you with tall tales and vivid imaginations please do not discount them simply because you cannot relate: after all would you negate the story of a foreign person simply because you could not relate to his homeland, culture or language? Of course not – your children are no different. Contrary to popular opinion, in the main children do not LIE! They will deny their own behaviours to avoid trouble – of course – every intelligent human knows do do this – but in the main, children do not simply create falsehoods out of nowhere – everything they say they have seen, heard, felt or understood is grounded in a truth. Their Truth.
You can book your personal Soul Session with me here where we can explore our Magical Beginnings and reconnect you with your soul purpose.
Is an artists someone who puts paint onto paper or canvas? Are they uniquely creative and able to make things from nothing or are they simply able to interpret the world around them differently and communicate those observations to us as an audience?
If you never share your work are you an artist? If you can imagine images, colours, textures, sounds, shapes and meanings in your head , but never make them physical, are you an artist?
I have no absolute answers so was forced to do actual research – in dictionaries, google, asking people who ‘identify as artists’ for their responses and the results were fascinating.
My research led me down a rabbit hole of wanderings and wonderings and led me to a subtle but profound conclusion: We are all artists! Every last one of us,.
Whether you think you can’t draw, have no interest in Botticelli and have never seen the inside of a gallery, I am willing to bet that every last one of you is, in your heart of hearts, an artist.
That is, you are capable of creating something beautiful and meaningful using the tools at your disposal. You are able to communicate your thoughts and feelings using words, images, colours or textures AND you have already created more art in the world than you realise.
I draw your attention to the way you read your children their bedtime story – so you enhance the tale with voices and actions, with creative nuance?
When you tell a story at a dinner party, do you perform, embellish and deliver a colourful and enhanced version of a banal truth?
What about the doodles you cannot help but scribble across your notepad whilst you are on a long boring phone call, or sitting in a dull meeting – the minute swirling of pen on paper literally releases endorphins into your bloodstream and creates a hypnotic state within which you can survive the monotony of the real world: and if THAT isn’t the very ideal of ART then I don’t know what is!
Now I know what you are thinking, there is a small voice inside you saying – no not me, this woman is delusional, I am not an artist! And quite possibly stamping its little foot firmly! (Its strange how inner voices can suddenly grow limbs when they need them, isn’t it?) This my friends, is called resistance, and is exactly what stops you from drawing, or painting, singing or dancing, acting or telling jokes and bringing a sense of joyous creativity into your life. But why?
How exactly is this resistance serving you? How is playing small, avoiding being a beginner, not ‘good enough’ (whatever that means) or even being ridiculed by others enhancing your life experience in any way?
Do you remember when you were a child, you would colour in for hours, for what reason? Absolutely none! You would draw pictures of your world, your family, house, trees, sky and sun (always a yellow corner with sticks coming off it – where did we ever get that idea from, I wonder?) and you felt so proud. You looked at your picture and knew it looked nothing like real people, yet you were happy with what you had created. You saw a smiling face which meant love, you drew long stick arms which meant cuddles, you drew long legs and people of different heights to designate authority and power amongst your family (dad was always tallest even when he wasn’t in real life ) and you were proud.
So I put it to you that we are all artists, capable of great things, if only we were willing to release our inner critic, embrace our inner child and take up the tools of creativity. Whether we are creating clothes from fabric, up-cycling furniture, sketching with pencils or working for a whole year on one canvas, we are artist. We each have a unique message to share, a personal journey which when translated in colours, lines, shapes and patterns becomes a universal language understood by all.
I would love to know, what art have you created in your life, what do you yearn to express and what fascinates you? These deep longings can be clues to the real you, the soul you, the reason you are here.
Stop hiding, take up your tools and declare yourself an artist – The Time Is Now!
As we near the season of Midwinter, our thoughts naturally turn to decorating our festive home; celebrating the darkness with light and bringing evergreen foliage into the house – but wait! Before you buy yet another Christmas Tree, bear a thought for those living in Denmark or Norway who are seeing their native rural world transformed into a wasteland at the hands of Christmas Tree farmers who take over great swathes of land and chemically stimulate the growth of Spruce, affecting the natural flora and fauna of the area and leaving the landscape scarred and bare every harvest time.
I do not mean to be a killjoy and understand that you may be trying to cut down on plastic waste and artificial trees make you come out in hives, so I have another suggestion for you:
Why not bring a new tradition into your home, that of the Yule Bough. Not a tree but a branch, preferably already fallen in recent storms, reclaimed form your local park, roadside or woodland.
Hung across your mantelpiece or above your window, you can adorn this re purposed timber with lights, baubles, and small gifts, using recycled ribbon, string and re purposed tags from old clothes.
There is no end to the ways you can decorate your bough – why not tie chocolates, cookies, bells, fairy lights, small photographs or more as you celebrate the season,. Hey if you are feeling really adventurous you can have a selection of branches around the house – some standing upright in pots, others clustered in buckets or jugs, or hung from rafters, ceilings or window frames, whatever takes your fancy.
You can use spray paint or canned snow to tint the leaves and get you r children to make paper chains, snowflakes and lanterns to hang. Truly eco- friendly, natural and oh so creative, with no two branches being the same – you are sure to create something unique and memorable – who knows you may even start a trend?
Are you sick to the back teeth of the same old same old way of celebrating Christmas? Maybe you are craving something deeper, more meaningful that can become a true tradition for you and your family? Checkout my latest article for The Local Answer: Christmas Book Flood where I explore Jolablokaflod – the Icelandic tradition of gifting books on Christmas Eve, and let me know in the comments if this is something you would like to do.
Also please recommend your Best Kept Secret Author – a self published, small press, independent author you feel needs introducing to the world.
Whether they are publishing stories, colouring books, self help or thrillers, we want to know. Please comment below and lets support our creative communities this Christmas.
Throughout history brilliant minds have left us with words of wisdom with which to enrich our lives. Here are a few of my favourites, https://www.thelocalanswer.co.uk/news/parenting-and-guardianship/parenting-and-guardianship/1805-all-may-18-parenting-and-guardianship.aspx?area=all&y=2018
I would love to hear your favourites phrases or sayings, old wives tales or go-to words of wisdom that your family cherish. Please share in the comments below.
As I said in my last post, I am struggling with some inner healing right now and whilst I embrace the challenge, I know I will only succeed if I focus on my internal world in balance with the outside or ‘real’ world. To that end I am creating a way in which my businesses can sustain me and support me, financially, emotionally and energetically, rather than drain me, damage me and threaten me, as working in the old way did for so many years.
I need to work in a way which fulfils my deep sense of purpose; to that end I work as a writer and editor (helping others craft their message) a healer and mentor (bringing others back to centre when they are feeling frayed and splintered) and I utilise gorgeous products to bring people together, because creating communities is of paramount importance to me and the perfect way to support others looking to build their own business.
My various business interests afford me a variety of ways in which I can connect with and support others. If you are looking for healing, then my Hidden Pathways Healing Packages are what you need. Featuring Reiki, Guided Meditations, Integration Therapy, Chakra Balancing, 7 Words Coaching and more.
Need a reading or a space to explore your current situation, receive intuitive guidance and insight as to what is really going on then why not try a Hidden Pathways Intuitive Reading where I use a range of tools including oracle cards, my pendulum, tarot, rune stones, clairvoyance, clairaudience and clairsentience, along with some channelled guides, angels and other universal energies to offer you a window into your life and help you find the gift in your present situation.
I have now added a luxurious and delightful product range to my offerings in the shape of Neal’s Yard Organics
Organic products featuring essential oils, suitable for all skin types, for men, women, babies, for daily use and special occasions, there is something for everyone and it is such incredible value. If you are local we can get together and let you try the products for yourself, if not, I am sharing the link to my online shop and am quite happy to send you samples of anything you wish to try.
Girls nights in? Pamper Parties? Baby Showers? Hen parties? Why not book me to give Readings to all your guests whilst you go crazy with the lotions and potions? Everyone receives a personal Intuitive Reading – and you can order any products you would like to purchase for delivery to your door! (I am the ONLY way you can get this incredible service so please contact me for more details)
SO in short, I am on a healing journey and utilising all my biz offerings to support myself and others, so as to make maximun inroads in my discoveries.
Fancy joining me? I would love to hear from you and how you are navigating your inner landscape and of course, I am only to happy to welcome you into my world.